Eric Chuang.

Once in a while, I’ll get one of these nights where I can’t fall asleep even after watching 3 consecutive movies. I can see the sun rising, and I just feel so empty inside. I begin to reflect on all my decisions in life thus far and question everything I’ve ever done. It’s scary how much you don’t know about yourself until you really stop and reflect. It’s moments like this when I wish I had someone I could confide in. I know I have friends and family, but it would just be nice to have someone to impress. Someone to look cute for or someone to make me nervous. I miss the butterflies in my stomach and the timid kisses and the awkward touches. I know I don’t need anyone like that, but it’s just nice to have that sense of security and knowing that that person will be on your team no matter what. I know my family and best friends love me unconditionally and will always have my back, but it’s just a different kind of affection that I think I am lusting for. I can’t say I’ve ever fallen in love with anyone because I’m only 19. I hope I’ll someday be able to say that I have, even if we don’t end up together in the end. I just need to know that there is someone out there having these same moments of reflection and self doubt just like me, who will be my soulmate. I believe that everything happens for a reason and I think that destiny is bullshit. I don’t think I am destined to meet the love of my life or anything because is that even possible? Is it even possible that there will be that one person out there waiting for me to discover who will complete the last puzzle piece for me? That sounds kind of preposterous in my opinion and I think that we pave the road to our so called destiny. Nothing is ever planned or expected, and that’s what kind of sucks about love. I could very well end up alone for all I know. And to think that I may live a life expecting to meet the right one simply baffles me. The possibility that I may never meet someone who will fall as deeply in love with me as I will with them is actually really sad. I just wish it was easier. But then again, if it was so easy, it wouldn’t be as fulfilling and satisfying when you do find that person who completes the puzzle. That one person you will confide in during nights like this and tell you they will be there for you. I’d like to think of myself as an optimist who sees the glass half full. I think that I’ll find someone who genuinely loves me and cares about me, I just don’t know when that will happen in my life. So in the meantime while I wait, I’m going to keep having nights like this alone and learn how to deal with it. It’s 6:32 AM now and I should really go to sleep. Shoutout to insomnia for giving me the inspiration to get all this out of my mind.


Irina Munteanu

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